On Surrender

Exploring what it means to give yourself up.

Hi, 👋 I am Rodrigo,

Here’s your latest edition of The Bigger Picture, where we connect what seems disconnected, and apply it to our lives.

Time to sit back and enjoy ☕

---

On July 14, 2020, I had a deeply personal thought:

As I was looking, staring out the window, I asked myself, “what if I surrender?”

Part I

I never had a thought like that before.

See, I have lived most of my life under a certain creed and work ethic - think, plan, decide, faith, discipline and dedication. Believing I control my life, and my effort determines the outcome. Thus, the idea of having no control over my life and its direction is alien to me. Surrender has been incomprehensible.

Yet, when I asked myself that question I experienced an avalanche of extreme emotions - fear, sadness, stress, anxiety, relief. The thought alone watered my eyes. It was so intense, foreign and powerful I forced myself out of it. What did my reaction mean?

Perhaps, the thought of surrender was the result of seven months of personal and professional frustration. Maybe, the culmination of endless anxiety and exhaustion from evading the coronavirus. Likely, a combination of both. More likely, I believe, the surfacing of something more profound.

My intense reaction to the thought of surrender was the result of my deep frustration with failure. An eruption of emotions stemming from a long list of failures in my life - in my career, business, marriage and health.

“Surrendering” revealed something threatening, painful and true. It struck down what I have been taught, what I have believed, and how I have lived. Surrendering would be a rejection of my life. A total recall of a life in need of rescue and recovery.

Surrender would be the ultimate admission of failure. The realization of my ignorance and meaninglessness. That, perhaps, the path forward - the way to save what remains of my life - is to give myself up.

Part II

By surrender I do not mean giving up or quitting on life. Rather, I am referring to the act of giving my life up to a higher purpose, a calling, to God. So that His purpose for me shows up. So that His purpose for me lights up the road ahead.

To surrender so that you may be more attentive, more in-tune, more sensitive to His plan for you. It means to give up control of your life - and what you think it should be - so the true reason you were created can be revealed in all its wonderful glory. So that your life and your work becomes a manifestation of all that is possible that was thought impossible - of something larger than you, of God.

Surrender means giving up your ego to serve.

Part III

Three months since the thought first occurred to me, I admit, I am unsure I have the strength or wisdom to surrender. It has proven difficult to absorb. It feels like a death. At this time, I fear my ego and desires are overpowering my faith.

Further, I am afraid to surrender. It’s one thing thing to say “I trust” in God, it’s quite another to do so. To completely give up control of your life, the things you believe and feel make you happy. The things you want to work toward because your experience shows you they bring you joy. What if surrender means giving up the life you dream and imagine? I don’t know if I am ready to surrender.

And, doubt lingers: Is this a false choice? Am I rationalizing to avoid an uncomfortable truth? What if the happiness and joy I have experienced so far are small compared to feeling of discovering and serving His purpose for me?

Finally, while the thought of surrender feels like a repudiation of my life, that my life balances out to net zero or worse and I am giving up on me, it is also accompanied by a sense of relief. Giving up on me to bet completely on Him. Trusting, with confidence and blind faith, and not looking back.

Understanding I am no more than dust put here at a unique moment in time to fulfill His purpose for me. To live out His purpose - not mine. That whether it’s difficult or painful, it does not matter. That I am only here to do His work, and nothing else matters.

——

Here are some possible next steps to see The Bigger Picture

Consider:

This from Alan Watts:

And, this from Chadwick Boseman

Thanks for reading 🙏